identity

(source)

warning: this post is a bit of a departure from my normal subjects on this blog.

this post is probably very very premature, as i've just started the study i'm going to reference. but already, god is doing amazing things in my soul. somehow, he has given me this opportunity to be surrounded by a group of women who are proving to be absolutely invaluable in their love and insight. we're going through wendy alsup's study, "by his wounds you are healed," and the introduction alone was enough to knock the wind out of me. where am i finding my identity? what defines me? where do i get my kicks? if it's not from christ, then i don't really get it. i don't get what grace is, i don't get what peace is, i don't get what my purpose is, and the kicker is that i don't really get what he has done for me.

my initial thought: "that's ludicrous!" i've been in the church all my life. i get that christ died, therefore taking on my sin and providing a way for me to be with him in heaven. (wow, even writing it so flippantly right now feels so grimy.) i've been walking around with this head knowledge for so long, and somehow my heart hasn't completely gotten it. i don't know that i'm capable of ever totally getting it actually, but if i can begin to grasp what grace really is, then i can begin to see christ clearly. and if the spirit can help me see christ and his saving grace clearly, then he will change me and give me a new lens in which to view my life, my roles, my identity. and the outflow will be what i've prayed for for so long. purity. pure motivations. pure attitudes. pure thoughts. pure actions. oh lord, i want to be changed!

i was enlightened to find out that even amongst this group of strong, spiritual women, i was not alone in feeling insecure in who i am. even admitting out loud that i'm insecure is a huge work of the spirit, because it's the opposite of what i always try to portray. i want to be hip christian lady with her crap together - polite toddler, baby in sling, gourmet dinner on the table, social life swingin', great marriage, eclectic taste, lover of beauty, church volunteer, all with a genuine, strong and obvious love for god. this is where i find my identity. this is who i want to be. yet, i'm insecure because i'm not finding the foundation of these roles in christ. i'm not defining my life as a follower of christ, i'm defining it through these particular roles i've given myself. he's working on me, and my impatience wants the work to be done. i want all of the things listed above, and i want it all to be because of god's doing, and i want it all right now please.

pretty sure my plan is not god's. he's working though. i can feel his love and his spirit, and i'm becoming so grateful for a god who sees christ when he looks at me rather than me. he's given me so many good things in my life, but it's all for naught if i'm finding my worth in those things rather than in his grace.